i've got good news and bad news. if you've been around me for the past 3-4 months, you know that i've been having trouble reading the fine print. any small print, for that matter. i've had 20/10 vision my whole life, so it was a little weird to start dealing with it. it came on pretty quickly, too. no gradual adjustment...just sort of one week everything was all good...then, bam...blurry vision for reading up close.
i used to tease my mom and dad about walking across the room with a menu so they could read it. my mom always told me that what you tease people about will happen to you. (talk about a vengeful God complex!) i told her i'd start teasing millionaires and brad pitt. i guess i could just tease brad pitt, eh? anyway, i teased them and suddenly it became my problem.
so today on my way home i saw an eyeglasses place advertising 2 pairs of glasses for 69 bucks. it included a free eye exam. since the reading glasses i had checked out online were priced about the same for one pair i figured i'd check it out.
they had me fill out a bunch of questions, all of which were printed in extremely small lettering. kind of rude, i thought. i mean, nobody goes in there to prove how great their vision is, right? i just answered no to everything, hoping they hadn't asked me if i had any problems with donating my kidneys.
next came the eye exam...the first eye exam, as it turned out. i ripped through the letters except for the bottom row, which used to be my proudest moment. then i had to look at some farm scene that kept going in and out of focus. and finally i had to look at a red light, during which, at a random point, a puff of air was blown at my eye. maybe they needed to test how fast i blinked.
that girl compiled all the information and i went in to see the eye doctor. based on the data from the first eye exam she put the little focus thingy in front of me and off we went to figure out my prescription. things did not go as planned. after a bit, she said "are you trying to fool me?" i am a prankster at heart, but i draw the line at doctors. after a little while, she decided i needed a little more in depth exam.
i was a little concerned at this point. because of how quickly it my reading vision seemed to blur didn't make it any better. the thing that kept me cool was that other than my reading vision, i had no other issues. so...on we went to the new tests. read this...read that...can you see this...can you see that....blah, blah, blah. then she put this ubermagnification system in front of me, complete with a very bright light, and proceeded to look deep into my eyes. somehow, i always thought i'd feel different if a woman was to do that. it was a big letdown.
after a couple of minutes of that, she kept the uber thing in place...and added a big lens that she held in front of each eye while shining said light in there. apparently she was looking at the back of my eye..yon retina. and then she told me i have something. i have central serous retinopathy. i gulped. she heard it...or i imagine so. then she asked me if i've been under a lot of stress. my first answer was no. but then i started thinking about how i've been feeling...stressed...because of the increase in CURE work (and the corresponding lack of support dollars that mean i nearly work for free), the increase in my workload at my part-time job (and the desire to be able to move solely into my CURE work), and trying to get my i58 site and business launched (which will help with both of the first two issues. i remembered having a couple of friendships that were near and dear to me change pretty rapidly. not necessarly badly...just drastically. i remembered that i was stressed about a wedding i thought was happening (see the friend/bmw entry below). i remembered the stress of loving another friend and the opportunity to be in his wedding, but hating that i missed his out of town bachelor party because of money, and stressing some over the cost of standing up out of town. i rememberd the stress of planning events and having the guests of honor suddenly unable to make it, with me not knowing how to shut it down.
and add to the the different life my body ended up going through with becoming a vegetarian and with working out. i lost a good amount of weight pretty quickly. and while that's great for me, it probably didn't help the overall "deal with this" level i put myself through. so...yeah...i guess i was stressed. it's weird because i never thought of myself as stressed.
so you may be asking...what's the good news? well, central serous retinopathy is a temporary condition. it's stress-related. it's most commonly noticed by people who have extraordinary vision (i was always 20/10). it usually affects men between 20 and 50 (i fall in that range :-) ). and while there's not really a treatment, it almost always goes away on its own.
i got my reading glasses prescription...two pairs for 69 bucks...and they'll be in in a week or so. and while i was preparing for life with glasses, thinking into every life a little eyesight degeneration must fall, it seems i can expect things to return to normal. i guess i just need to finish my website and launch my business, drum up a little more CURE support, get through the end of the wedding season, spend some time with friends, start eating meat again (just kidding), get used to working out, and quit planning parties.
and maybe a few months in the french riviera will help...
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
i can feel it coming in the air tonight
the fall is here. my favorite time of the year. i'm not a huge lover of winter, but it has its qualities. snowboarding, driving in the snow (yeah, i love it), hot chocolate, fireplaces, no light through my bedroom window at 5 am, down comforters, rest for the land and people, and such. but if biting, bitter, boring (as in drilling deep) cold were not bad enough, it bring with it a promise in its end...a promise which i hate more than anything in this world...well, anything not man-made.
mosquitos. i am not alone in my hatred for mosquitos. jeff pelletier, a good friend and one-time roommate and i were sitting in the living room once, along with another friend. we were railing against mosquitos. we were trying to figure out what possible contribution they could offer the planet. we came up with zero. birds and bugs eat mosquitos. but they eat other insects, too. eliminate mosquitos...no great ecological impact in our estimation.
jeff said "when i get to heaven, the first question i'm going to ask God is "mosquitos...what's up with that?" joe said, "yeah...and God will say "sin...what's up with that?" jeff replied "i asked you first." i doubt, or at least hope, that that isn't the initial exchange they have...but i have often thought that might be my first question, too.
ok...back to autumn. among the many, many qualities of fall is the deliverance on summer's exit strategy...no more mosquitos. i can now sit on my front porch with my guitar without pausing to swat, splat, and scratch. i can take a fresh cup of coffee out with me, put on a hoodie, and talk on the phone (which i must do because AT&T's more bars in more places doesn't include my apartment). i can walk and note the way the cool air invades my lungs, making breathing not just an invisible part of my life. and i can see a palate of color that i connect with more than all the others i love. the blue of water is engulfing. the 256 shades of grey in winter turns the color world into black and white. the green of spring is like Pleasantville in real life. but the auburns and golds and burgundys and oranges and browns of fall...they are the colors of my soul. they are majestic and regal and life and death...and they remind me.
i sat on top of vermont's tallest mountain about 14 years ago, looking across the Green Mountains (vermont is from the french words for green and mountain...verde and mont) in a first ditch effort to meet the God i'd professed to follow my whole life. and with pen in hand, i wrote of the promises of Jeremiah 29:11-13 and that even though i had no idea what it meant to seek, let alone with my whole heart, it had to be now or it would be never. and i found Him.
my friend, shane, says that truly following...truly seeking results in layers coming off of us. like an onion we come with lots of layers. some of it is just part of being human. some comes with our culture. family, friends, school, desire...they're all a part of those layers. but in seeking, the layers come off until we're left with only Him. it's probably not that easy. we add layers, often simultaneously to peeling away others. i know i sometimes like to put layers back on that i've already taken off. but as best as i can, since that day on Mt. Mansfield, i've been trying to let those dead things fall to the ground and whisk away in the wind.
every year, in september, i go back to that place. not vermont, but the internal one where i found i had never sought with my whole heart. it's not an easy place, but i still love it. i call it ruthless self-examination. it's introspection with no filters of what i'd like to be true...just what is. and i lay that truth against what i see in the life of Jesus, whom i follow, and the heart of His and my Father. no more comparisons with church ideologies, theologies, or any other "ologies". only that which was in the beginning, that was with God, and that is God. and i do that every september because, even though i try to keep in touch with this regularly, by the time a year goes by i've put layers back on. and if i don't want to be what i used to be, or to head toward my natural inclinations, i've got to pay attention to it.
if whatever change has occured in my life can be pointed to one thing, it's that prayer up on that mountain, and since, saying i have no idea how to search with my whole heart...and asking for help in that. i need to stay on top of that prayer because my heart is often divided in what it wishes to seek...fragmented would be a better word. but i long to have a whole heart, not in total, but in unity. and so i am working, sometimes hard, sometimes not, on making that statement true. i wish to seek with my whole heart, soul, mind, and strength, and to let everything else fall away.
so...fall...i am reminded every year as your air comes cool and crisp. i will seek...and He will be found...if i search with my whole heart.
mosquitos. i am not alone in my hatred for mosquitos. jeff pelletier, a good friend and one-time roommate and i were sitting in the living room once, along with another friend. we were railing against mosquitos. we were trying to figure out what possible contribution they could offer the planet. we came up with zero. birds and bugs eat mosquitos. but they eat other insects, too. eliminate mosquitos...no great ecological impact in our estimation.
jeff said "when i get to heaven, the first question i'm going to ask God is "mosquitos...what's up with that?" joe said, "yeah...and God will say "sin...what's up with that?" jeff replied "i asked you first." i doubt, or at least hope, that that isn't the initial exchange they have...but i have often thought that might be my first question, too.
ok...back to autumn. among the many, many qualities of fall is the deliverance on summer's exit strategy...no more mosquitos. i can now sit on my front porch with my guitar without pausing to swat, splat, and scratch. i can take a fresh cup of coffee out with me, put on a hoodie, and talk on the phone (which i must do because AT&T's more bars in more places doesn't include my apartment). i can walk and note the way the cool air invades my lungs, making breathing not just an invisible part of my life. and i can see a palate of color that i connect with more than all the others i love. the blue of water is engulfing. the 256 shades of grey in winter turns the color world into black and white. the green of spring is like Pleasantville in real life. but the auburns and golds and burgundys and oranges and browns of fall...they are the colors of my soul. they are majestic and regal and life and death...and they remind me.
i sat on top of vermont's tallest mountain about 14 years ago, looking across the Green Mountains (vermont is from the french words for green and mountain...verde and mont) in a first ditch effort to meet the God i'd professed to follow my whole life. and with pen in hand, i wrote of the promises of Jeremiah 29:11-13 and that even though i had no idea what it meant to seek, let alone with my whole heart, it had to be now or it would be never. and i found Him.
my friend, shane, says that truly following...truly seeking results in layers coming off of us. like an onion we come with lots of layers. some of it is just part of being human. some comes with our culture. family, friends, school, desire...they're all a part of those layers. but in seeking, the layers come off until we're left with only Him. it's probably not that easy. we add layers, often simultaneously to peeling away others. i know i sometimes like to put layers back on that i've already taken off. but as best as i can, since that day on Mt. Mansfield, i've been trying to let those dead things fall to the ground and whisk away in the wind.
every year, in september, i go back to that place. not vermont, but the internal one where i found i had never sought with my whole heart. it's not an easy place, but i still love it. i call it ruthless self-examination. it's introspection with no filters of what i'd like to be true...just what is. and i lay that truth against what i see in the life of Jesus, whom i follow, and the heart of His and my Father. no more comparisons with church ideologies, theologies, or any other "ologies". only that which was in the beginning, that was with God, and that is God. and i do that every september because, even though i try to keep in touch with this regularly, by the time a year goes by i've put layers back on. and if i don't want to be what i used to be, or to head toward my natural inclinations, i've got to pay attention to it.
if whatever change has occured in my life can be pointed to one thing, it's that prayer up on that mountain, and since, saying i have no idea how to search with my whole heart...and asking for help in that. i need to stay on top of that prayer because my heart is often divided in what it wishes to seek...fragmented would be a better word. but i long to have a whole heart, not in total, but in unity. and so i am working, sometimes hard, sometimes not, on making that statement true. i wish to seek with my whole heart, soul, mind, and strength, and to let everything else fall away.
so...fall...i am reminded every year as your air comes cool and crisp. i will seek...and He will be found...if i search with my whole heart.
Sunday, September 14, 2008
how to fool your friend into lending you his bmw...
I think I've been working too much. probably not...but it helps in explaining away this one. the actors in the play are:
1) Soraya, a friend about to get married. I'm playing guitar in her wedding.
2) Ryan...he owns the Beemer...a Z4 convertible. i've ridden in it a few times...pretty sweet.
3) Me...the imbecile.
So...about a month ago, Soraya messages a few of us asking if we can help find some people to do X, Y, and Z in her wedding. A guitar player is one of those needs. I say Yes. she's thrilled. i call her to find out what exactly I'll be playing. Some song...don't know it...don't own it...never heard of it. She is fortunate by not requesting The Chicken Dance, which i have sworn a blood oath to never be a part of in any one's wedding.
I ask Soraya to send me the song via email. After two weeks...no song. I call and ask, and she says she will put it on a CD and send it to me...the mp3 thing isn't working for some reason. I hear in this conversation something about the wedding in two weeks and having enough time to learn yon song. I hear this, but this is not said. I do not know it at the time. I find out yesterday.
I anxiously await the aforementioned CD. Then early this past week I message Soraya asking about wedding times/location, etc. I know it's in Lake Forest and it's tough to bike there. "I'll be needing transportation", I'm thinking, "and I should work this out a bit in advance." We mutually figure out that I should really see about finding a car to use. "No problem," say I. "I have a friend who told me if i ever needed a car in a situation like this, I could use it." Soraya says she is leaving in 30 minutes for the airport to fly to Chicago and finalize the prep for the wedding. In my mind, leaving Tuesday means a few days to nail stuff down, just in time for the wedding on the weekend.
I decide to see what public transit options I have in getting to Lake Forest. I can take the train...the Metra...but it's a little sketchy on the early Sunday morning availability I'll need to get to the wedding. In the end, a car is the only way I see this working. I have to call Ryan anyway to work out a time to move some furniture he's giving to a friend of mine. So we figure that all out, and then I ask about the car. I'm very clear that if it's any sort of problem, it's no worry. I can always buy a car from CarMax and return it within the first 7 days with no penalty. He's more than gracious and says that he and his girlfriend are taking her car to a wedding out of town this weekend anyway. It will be no trouble. This conversation goes down on Thursday.
Thursday...and I have no CD. I'm playing a song I've never heard, accompanying a singer I've never heard, and I have no CD. I figure I've always been good with learning music quickly so I'll wait. Friday will give me plenty of time.
Friday...and I have no CD. I ride my bike home from work in the rain for the 3rd time in a week, and wonder how an outdoor wedding will go if it rains too much. I run for the mail...and no CD. I'm a little freaked out at this point. I have a wedding in two days...a rehearsal in 18 hours, at least 7 of which I'm determined to sleep. I call Soraya. Voice mail. I note that the rain has increased. I am up until 1 am...and no call.
Let me say that I have personally perfected the art of procrastination. In fact, my name makes up the VERY LAST four letters of the word procrastinate. I believe I am predisposed toward procrastination because of this. Yet, even I am freaking out about Soraya's nonchalance regarding my need for the music I will be playing in her wedding. "It's her wedding," I think to myself. "If she wants me to have to play The Chicken Dance instead of what was surely a meaningful song, so be it. I'll not fret over this any longer." Not true.
I awaken Saturday and have no calls from Soraya, but do have one from Ryan. I call him and we arrange for the car dropoff. I leave one more message for Soraya saying I'm sure she's got a ton going on with figuring out what to do with an outdoor wedding and Ike's pouring on her parade. I'm sure there are a ton of logistical issues to deal with. But at a minimum, I need to know where the rehearsal is being held. I'm okay with not having the song. I once had to sing a song in front of several hundred people where I only sung this song once in my life and it was 5 years ago and they didn't have the lyrics for it and could I possibly remember it enough to sing it, and yes, it went off fine. I was sure that God would not let me ruin Soraya's wedding because she had been too busy to send me the CD.
I get a call from Soraya at 4:30 on Saturday afternoon. I am so relieved. I tell her I have a car to get to both the rehearsal and the wedding. She is thrilled. She says she is going to put the CD in the mail...it won't take long to get from Lake Forest to Chicago. And I begin to realize that a wire or three may be crossed. And then she laughs at my freaking outness and says "You know the wedding is on the 28th, right?" Ummmm...no. And she laughs more at me. "Yes...two weeks from this weekend." Ohhhhh...that 28th. Too late to slough it off as "Sure...I knew...I just wanted to be prepared." She has proof on her voice mail.
So...I now have a BMW for the rest of the weekend. "Oh...one thing", Ryan tells me when he hands me the keys. "It leaks at the corners of the roof when it rains. You can stuff paper up in there, but it will still drip." I stay in on Saturday night. Sunday, it's still raining...along the lines of that called for by the FOTF guy in Denver...so I drive the 4 blocks to church. I may possibly have been less wet had I walked sans umbrella.
I'll be spending the next two weeks befriending a Mercedes hardtop owner.
1) Soraya, a friend about to get married. I'm playing guitar in her wedding.
2) Ryan...he owns the Beemer...a Z4 convertible. i've ridden in it a few times...pretty sweet.
3) Me...the imbecile.
So...about a month ago, Soraya messages a few of us asking if we can help find some people to do X, Y, and Z in her wedding. A guitar player is one of those needs. I say Yes. she's thrilled. i call her to find out what exactly I'll be playing. Some song...don't know it...don't own it...never heard of it. She is fortunate by not requesting The Chicken Dance, which i have sworn a blood oath to never be a part of in any one's wedding.
I ask Soraya to send me the song via email. After two weeks...no song. I call and ask, and she says she will put it on a CD and send it to me...the mp3 thing isn't working for some reason. I hear in this conversation something about the wedding in two weeks and having enough time to learn yon song. I hear this, but this is not said. I do not know it at the time. I find out yesterday.
I anxiously await the aforementioned CD. Then early this past week I message Soraya asking about wedding times/location, etc. I know it's in Lake Forest and it's tough to bike there. "I'll be needing transportation", I'm thinking, "and I should work this out a bit in advance." We mutually figure out that I should really see about finding a car to use. "No problem," say I. "I have a friend who told me if i ever needed a car in a situation like this, I could use it." Soraya says she is leaving in 30 minutes for the airport to fly to Chicago and finalize the prep for the wedding. In my mind, leaving Tuesday means a few days to nail stuff down, just in time for the wedding on the weekend.
I decide to see what public transit options I have in getting to Lake Forest. I can take the train...the Metra...but it's a little sketchy on the early Sunday morning availability I'll need to get to the wedding. In the end, a car is the only way I see this working. I have to call Ryan anyway to work out a time to move some furniture he's giving to a friend of mine. So we figure that all out, and then I ask about the car. I'm very clear that if it's any sort of problem, it's no worry. I can always buy a car from CarMax and return it within the first 7 days with no penalty. He's more than gracious and says that he and his girlfriend are taking her car to a wedding out of town this weekend anyway. It will be no trouble. This conversation goes down on Thursday.
Thursday...and I have no CD. I'm playing a song I've never heard, accompanying a singer I've never heard, and I have no CD. I figure I've always been good with learning music quickly so I'll wait. Friday will give me plenty of time.
Friday...and I have no CD. I ride my bike home from work in the rain for the 3rd time in a week, and wonder how an outdoor wedding will go if it rains too much. I run for the mail...and no CD. I'm a little freaked out at this point. I have a wedding in two days...a rehearsal in 18 hours, at least 7 of which I'm determined to sleep. I call Soraya. Voice mail. I note that the rain has increased. I am up until 1 am...and no call.
Let me say that I have personally perfected the art of procrastination. In fact, my name makes up the VERY LAST four letters of the word procrastinate. I believe I am predisposed toward procrastination because of this. Yet, even I am freaking out about Soraya's nonchalance regarding my need for the music I will be playing in her wedding. "It's her wedding," I think to myself. "If she wants me to have to play The Chicken Dance instead of what was surely a meaningful song, so be it. I'll not fret over this any longer." Not true.
I awaken Saturday and have no calls from Soraya, but do have one from Ryan. I call him and we arrange for the car dropoff. I leave one more message for Soraya saying I'm sure she's got a ton going on with figuring out what to do with an outdoor wedding and Ike's pouring on her parade. I'm sure there are a ton of logistical issues to deal with. But at a minimum, I need to know where the rehearsal is being held. I'm okay with not having the song. I once had to sing a song in front of several hundred people where I only sung this song once in my life and it was 5 years ago and they didn't have the lyrics for it and could I possibly remember it enough to sing it, and yes, it went off fine. I was sure that God would not let me ruin Soraya's wedding because she had been too busy to send me the CD.
I get a call from Soraya at 4:30 on Saturday afternoon. I am so relieved. I tell her I have a car to get to both the rehearsal and the wedding. She is thrilled. She says she is going to put the CD in the mail...it won't take long to get from Lake Forest to Chicago. And I begin to realize that a wire or three may be crossed. And then she laughs at my freaking outness and says "You know the wedding is on the 28th, right?" Ummmm...no. And she laughs more at me. "Yes...two weeks from this weekend." Ohhhhh...that 28th. Too late to slough it off as "Sure...I knew...I just wanted to be prepared." She has proof on her voice mail.
So...I now have a BMW for the rest of the weekend. "Oh...one thing", Ryan tells me when he hands me the keys. "It leaks at the corners of the roof when it rains. You can stuff paper up in there, but it will still drip." I stay in on Saturday night. Sunday, it's still raining...along the lines of that called for by the FOTF guy in Denver...so I drive the 4 blocks to church. I may possibly have been less wet had I walked sans umbrella.
I'll be spending the next two weeks befriending a Mercedes hardtop owner.
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
Identically
newest song...and everyone's favorite now. i gotta say...i like it. it's pretty poppy, though.
and no, it's not written about someone. so cease and desist on the inquiring minds emails.
Identically
there is one thing you should know
girl, i like to take things slow
to rush it just ain't me
i just like to take my time
share my heart and share my wine
we'll get there eventually
so if you don't mind walking slow
talking 'bout nothing at all
then i think we'll be alright
we'll say the same thing, laugh and curse
then we'll both say "no, you first"
and we'll smile like we don't know...
but the truth is we
are identically
thinking, hoping, laughing, wanting
praying that the dawn will never come
there is one thing you should note
'bout that first verse that i wrote
well, it prob'ly just ain't true
cuz i remember how it felt
how my heart just seemed to melt
the first time i saw you
so if you don't mind hangin on
while the wind takes us along
then i think we'll be ok
we'll find a spot and settle in
wonder where each other's been
and we'll smile like we don't know...
but the truth is we
are identically
thinking, hoping, laughing, wanting
praying that the dawn will never come
and no, it's not written about someone. so cease and desist on the inquiring minds emails.
Identically
there is one thing you should know
girl, i like to take things slow
to rush it just ain't me
i just like to take my time
share my heart and share my wine
we'll get there eventually
so if you don't mind walking slow
talking 'bout nothing at all
then i think we'll be alright
we'll say the same thing, laugh and curse
then we'll both say "no, you first"
and we'll smile like we don't know...
but the truth is we
are identically
thinking, hoping, laughing, wanting
praying that the dawn will never come
there is one thing you should note
'bout that first verse that i wrote
well, it prob'ly just ain't true
cuz i remember how it felt
how my heart just seemed to melt
the first time i saw you
so if you don't mind hangin on
while the wind takes us along
then i think we'll be ok
we'll find a spot and settle in
wonder where each other's been
and we'll smile like we don't know...
but the truth is we
are identically
thinking, hoping, laughing, wanting
praying that the dawn will never come
4 tracks...4 trains
i'm observant. like, too much. i notice things like 5 consecutive white cars, or how many stars are in the Paramount movie studio logo (26). i find patterns in numbers, floor tiles, wallpaper...my brain just likes to notice and solve. which is a little weird because i'm pretty right brained.
but there are two things...observations more than patterns that are driving me nuts (yes, dp) these days. the first is my insane ability to ride/drive/walk below El tracks while trains roar overhead. considering a train goes by every 10-15 minutes or so, my chances of catching the 5 seconds while one goes past, or 30 second while it stops and starts, pretty slim. in fact, just based on time, it makes the chances of walking under something like 1 in 60...based on 120 5 second segments in a 10 minute time frame, divided by 2 for trains running in opposite directions. obviously the stopping trains take longer, but then trains probably run more like every 15-20 minutes on average.
so...that around a 1.6% chance of being under the tracks during a passing train. but i am running considerably higher than that. in fact, i'd put my percentage somewhere around 50%. and i'm estimating conservatively. my friends, jenn and jodi, are aware of this phenomenon. jenn thinks i'm crazy. jodi has seen it in action, though. she was skeptical at first, but after a few weeks began to notice it, too.
so, today...i ride my bike to my staff meeting in Lawndale. some 5 miles or so, each way. two tracks to ride under each way. took a different route there and back...just to see more neighborhood. 4 tracks. 4 trains. not an anomaly, really. but enough to finally get me to write it down.
i should also point out that noticing trains and all did not start with the Chicago mass transit system. back in the day i drove a delivery truck part time for a friend from my old church. one of the joys of this job was he and i had nextel and could chat whenever. if you were to ask him how many times i held the phone out the window of the truck so he could hear the crossing gates as freight and passenger trains went by he'd back it up. everyone gets caught once in a while. it was definitely more than that for me.
the second thing is a little harder to nail down as far as how often it happens to me, or anyone. but the total of it is just a little strange to me. i listen to music a lot. one of the places i do this is at my part time job. Pandora, iPod, cds, whatever...i have my headphones on most of the time. i also do a lot of typing at this job. i write press releases, articles, website content, product descriptions, html/css code, and Facebook status updates. lots of typing. i sit at my computer all day. so...it happened once and i thought...that's funny. then again, and i thought...that's odd. and again. and again. i wouldn't say it's a daily occurrence, but it's more than once a week, too. i'll be typing away when the exact same word i'm typing is the exact same word being sung.
now your naturally critical thinking process might lead you to "and, the, when, if" and words like that. i'm sure those happen, but they'd be so quick it would be hard to notice, i think. no...these are words like "different, regret, reality, forgiving, example" and more. i wish i'd have gotten to writing them down sooner. one might think that my subconscious mind is a line or two ahead in the lyrics and is prepping my sentence structure to use that word. i could see how that could be a valid position. but i don't know many of the songs i listen to. and still, to be able to need that word right then when the article/description/Facebook update might not have any use for such a word...well, it's kind of amazing to me.
i know i'm a little odd. that space is for family and friends to say "a little?" or some variation of it. and maybe millions of people have similar things they note every day...or could note if they were noticing things. maybe you have had the same sorts of experiences. tell me. i'd like to hear them.
as far as this entry, it just came to the point where i decided that someone...me...i should document some of the odder details about my life. i'd hate to pass someday and have people think i was a pretty normal guy. nope...i'm magnetized to trains.
but there are two things...observations more than patterns that are driving me nuts (yes, dp) these days. the first is my insane ability to ride/drive/walk below El tracks while trains roar overhead. considering a train goes by every 10-15 minutes or so, my chances of catching the 5 seconds while one goes past, or 30 second while it stops and starts, pretty slim. in fact, just based on time, it makes the chances of walking under something like 1 in 60...based on 120 5 second segments in a 10 minute time frame, divided by 2 for trains running in opposite directions. obviously the stopping trains take longer, but then trains probably run more like every 15-20 minutes on average.
so...that around a 1.6% chance of being under the tracks during a passing train. but i am running considerably higher than that. in fact, i'd put my percentage somewhere around 50%. and i'm estimating conservatively. my friends, jenn and jodi, are aware of this phenomenon. jenn thinks i'm crazy. jodi has seen it in action, though. she was skeptical at first, but after a few weeks began to notice it, too.
so, today...i ride my bike to my staff meeting in Lawndale. some 5 miles or so, each way. two tracks to ride under each way. took a different route there and back...just to see more neighborhood. 4 tracks. 4 trains. not an anomaly, really. but enough to finally get me to write it down.
i should also point out that noticing trains and all did not start with the Chicago mass transit system. back in the day i drove a delivery truck part time for a friend from my old church. one of the joys of this job was he and i had nextel and could chat whenever. if you were to ask him how many times i held the phone out the window of the truck so he could hear the crossing gates as freight and passenger trains went by he'd back it up. everyone gets caught once in a while. it was definitely more than that for me.
the second thing is a little harder to nail down as far as how often it happens to me, or anyone. but the total of it is just a little strange to me. i listen to music a lot. one of the places i do this is at my part time job. Pandora, iPod, cds, whatever...i have my headphones on most of the time. i also do a lot of typing at this job. i write press releases, articles, website content, product descriptions, html/css code, and Facebook status updates. lots of typing. i sit at my computer all day. so...it happened once and i thought...that's funny. then again, and i thought...that's odd. and again. and again. i wouldn't say it's a daily occurrence, but it's more than once a week, too. i'll be typing away when the exact same word i'm typing is the exact same word being sung.
now your naturally critical thinking process might lead you to "and, the, when, if" and words like that. i'm sure those happen, but they'd be so quick it would be hard to notice, i think. no...these are words like "different, regret, reality, forgiving, example" and more. i wish i'd have gotten to writing them down sooner. one might think that my subconscious mind is a line or two ahead in the lyrics and is prepping my sentence structure to use that word. i could see how that could be a valid position. but i don't know many of the songs i listen to. and still, to be able to need that word right then when the article/description/Facebook update might not have any use for such a word...well, it's kind of amazing to me.
i know i'm a little odd. that space is for family and friends to say "a little?" or some variation of it. and maybe millions of people have similar things they note every day...or could note if they were noticing things. maybe you have had the same sorts of experiences. tell me. i'd like to hear them.
as far as this entry, it just came to the point where i decided that someone...me...i should document some of the odder details about my life. i'd hate to pass someday and have people think i was a pretty normal guy. nope...i'm magnetized to trains.
Thursday, June 19, 2008
Run, River
rough draft on some new song lyrics...a song called Run, River (at least right now)
someday soon
gonna leave this place
find me a little town
in an open space
maybe some foothills
to break the plane
and a quiet river
that knows my name
i'll find my rythym
maybe a job
as leaves turn over
i might find God
He might not know me
been gone that long
my friends even call me
the prodigal one
(chorus)
it's time for some changes
there's no denying
i'm alive on the outside
but my spirit is dying
so disappointed
in who i've been
maybe that river
can hold my sin
the lords of concrete
have brought me down
nose to the grindstone
and ear to the ground
the sirens sing loudly
the sirens don't stop
they sing to me sweetly
as i crash on the rocks
(chorus)
i don't have a bridge yet...we'll see how that goes. i've actually got about 4 soungs working right now, lyrically. it's still not flowing, but there seems to be a crack in the dam.
btw, in case you haven't heard elsewhere, i've got a gig opening for a national touring act this sunday night. ya'll should come out to hear me! just drop me a comment for directions and time
someday soon
gonna leave this place
find me a little town
in an open space
maybe some foothills
to break the plane
and a quiet river
that knows my name
i'll find my rythym
maybe a job
as leaves turn over
i might find God
He might not know me
been gone that long
my friends even call me
the prodigal one
(chorus)
it's time for some changes
there's no denying
i'm alive on the outside
but my spirit is dying
so disappointed
in who i've been
maybe that river
can hold my sin
the lords of concrete
have brought me down
nose to the grindstone
and ear to the ground
the sirens sing loudly
the sirens don't stop
they sing to me sweetly
as i crash on the rocks
(chorus)
i don't have a bridge yet...we'll see how that goes. i've actually got about 4 soungs working right now, lyrically. it's still not flowing, but there seems to be a crack in the dam.
btw, in case you haven't heard elsewhere, i've got a gig opening for a national touring act this sunday night. ya'll should come out to hear me! just drop me a comment for directions and time
Tuesday, June 3, 2008
my last blog was a parable...
so, i was lying in bed in a bit of a meditative state...something i do regularly upon waking up...and the "rearview mirror" blog i posted some days ago crossed my mind (i could link to it, but it's right below this one). i started to think about who crosses my path, who i stop for, when i keep going, etc. and it hit me...this story was already told. and i started to think a little differently about the players.
there's still the "deer". he's robbed, beaten, and lying in his own blood on the side of the road. and three people come upon this crash. in real life, probably more, but the story was told about the three.
the first one is someone whose life is given to working on behalf of God's people. he doesn't see the crash, but he comes upon it. and he swerves to avoid it. maybe it was hatred...i've always heard it was. maybe it was deep, almost subconscious hatred...the kind that doesn't come out until someone is pushed hard...to the point where they say "YOU PEOPLE" with a finger pointing at the stereotype or collective thought welling up. but maybe it was wanting to miss the hurting person. maybe he thought "someone else will get that...i've got a youth group meeting to get to". maybe he felt compassionately as he went by but he just didn't have the time or materials to stop. could be anywhere in between. "sucks to be you". "if you weren't there in the first place..." "when will someone do something about these bandit-types? they're really mucking up this neighborhood!" whatever it was...hatred, discomfort, lack of time, no available resources, fear, or the idea that someone else would come along...he kept going.
then comes the assistant. he sees the crash site. he crosses the street. same thing. another person out doing the work of God. or maybe not. maybe he's on his way to a movie with friends...let's say small group friends. or dinner at this pretty sweet new skewer joint. maybe his family is getting ready to go on vacation and he needs to get home. maybe the dog needs to be walked. maybe he's tired of seeing beat-up people in the road on his way to and from work and since he can't stop for all of them, it doesn't seem fair to help one of them. maybe he thinks he's better than the crash victim and thinks to himself "man...i'm glad God has my back!" maybe he flips him a church invite card so that when the guy is well...if he ever gets well...he can come and see what God has in store for him.
so many maybe's...so little time. and it could be he does have somewhere to be so he swerves to avoid the crash, looks back and thinks "is there something i should be doing?" maybe that illegitimate compassion wells up inside him as he sees the victim and he lifts a prayer to thank God it's not his kid lying in the road.
one more guy. oh, he's not much of a guy. in fact, his lifestyle is routinely pointed out as immoral. definitely NOT a part of the people of God. they can tell just looking at him. they can certainly tell by talking to him. this guy is not who they want in their neighborhood. this is the guy they move away from. this is the guy that nobody even thinks to invite to temple...why would they? he's an idolator, or something like that...bad theology at the least. sounds too much like something, not enough like something else. he just doesn't fit the mold.
that's readily apparent. for where the two godly men walk by, this one whom God would barely notice, as they see it, shows himself to be altogether different. he...stops. he...heals. he...puts the man in his car, eschewing the blood on the fine Corinthian leather, and gets him to shelter. he...pays! oh...there goes Disneyland. or the Harley. or the kid's college education. or the retirement fund. or maybe not. maybe he made enough money to put it to work in such a way and still get that new toga. regardless, he intervenes when two men who thought themselves deeply connected to God ignored His heart completely and kept walking.
at the end of "the rearview mirror" i imagined God praying that we would do something about these crash victims. but at the end of this parable, Jesus asks who the neighbor is in this story. he gets the answer "the one who showed mercy." He responds to the answerer (man #1) "go and do likewise." no prayer...just a command.
unwittingly, "the rearview mirror" was just some sort of retelling of The Good Samaritan. you can check it out for yourself in Luke 10.
there's still the "deer". he's robbed, beaten, and lying in his own blood on the side of the road. and three people come upon this crash. in real life, probably more, but the story was told about the three.
the first one is someone whose life is given to working on behalf of God's people. he doesn't see the crash, but he comes upon it. and he swerves to avoid it. maybe it was hatred...i've always heard it was. maybe it was deep, almost subconscious hatred...the kind that doesn't come out until someone is pushed hard...to the point where they say "YOU PEOPLE" with a finger pointing at the stereotype or collective thought welling up. but maybe it was wanting to miss the hurting person. maybe he thought "someone else will get that...i've got a youth group meeting to get to". maybe he felt compassionately as he went by but he just didn't have the time or materials to stop. could be anywhere in between. "sucks to be you". "if you weren't there in the first place..." "when will someone do something about these bandit-types? they're really mucking up this neighborhood!" whatever it was...hatred, discomfort, lack of time, no available resources, fear, or the idea that someone else would come along...he kept going.
then comes the assistant. he sees the crash site. he crosses the street. same thing. another person out doing the work of God. or maybe not. maybe he's on his way to a movie with friends...let's say small group friends. or dinner at this pretty sweet new skewer joint. maybe his family is getting ready to go on vacation and he needs to get home. maybe the dog needs to be walked. maybe he's tired of seeing beat-up people in the road on his way to and from work and since he can't stop for all of them, it doesn't seem fair to help one of them. maybe he thinks he's better than the crash victim and thinks to himself "man...i'm glad God has my back!" maybe he flips him a church invite card so that when the guy is well...if he ever gets well...he can come and see what God has in store for him.
so many maybe's...so little time. and it could be he does have somewhere to be so he swerves to avoid the crash, looks back and thinks "is there something i should be doing?" maybe that illegitimate compassion wells up inside him as he sees the victim and he lifts a prayer to thank God it's not his kid lying in the road.
one more guy. oh, he's not much of a guy. in fact, his lifestyle is routinely pointed out as immoral. definitely NOT a part of the people of God. they can tell just looking at him. they can certainly tell by talking to him. this guy is not who they want in their neighborhood. this is the guy they move away from. this is the guy that nobody even thinks to invite to temple...why would they? he's an idolator, or something like that...bad theology at the least. sounds too much like something, not enough like something else. he just doesn't fit the mold.
that's readily apparent. for where the two godly men walk by, this one whom God would barely notice, as they see it, shows himself to be altogether different. he...stops. he...heals. he...puts the man in his car, eschewing the blood on the fine Corinthian leather, and gets him to shelter. he...pays! oh...there goes Disneyland. or the Harley. or the kid's college education. or the retirement fund. or maybe not. maybe he made enough money to put it to work in such a way and still get that new toga. regardless, he intervenes when two men who thought themselves deeply connected to God ignored His heart completely and kept walking.
at the end of "the rearview mirror" i imagined God praying that we would do something about these crash victims. but at the end of this parable, Jesus asks who the neighbor is in this story. he gets the answer "the one who showed mercy." He responds to the answerer (man #1) "go and do likewise." no prayer...just a command.
unwittingly, "the rearview mirror" was just some sort of retelling of The Good Samaritan. you can check it out for yourself in Luke 10.
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
the rearview mirror
i heard a story a couple of weeks ago. it was about a guy who was struggling to pray for the people around the world who were hurting. not that he didn't want to. he just didn't know what to say, essentially. he was specifically talking about those who are left in pain from the iraqi war. i don't know if he was feeling it for both sides, or one in particular. in the end it doesn't really matter.
the story went that while in this difficult time of feeling intense compassion, yet unable to pray, that he was driving home through wisconsin and saw a doe and fawn on the side of a 4 lane highway. the deer decided to cross traffic as deer are prone to do. the doe made it, but the car in front of this guy hit the fawn's back legs and sent it spiraling down to the pavement. (at this point in the story, a collective gasp of empathy went out from the 100 or so folks in attendance.) this man made it around the deer without crippling it any further and then looked back through his rearview mirror to see the fawn frantically struggling to get up, but destined to its fate because of the injuries it sustained.
you know the number of thoughts that can flash through your mind in mere seconds...well, he had the same thing happen. he thought about going back to put it out of it's misery. he wondered how he would do that. he thought about the doe. and eventually, as the deer got smaller and smaller, he reasoned that someone else would have already intervened...called 911...called someone...and that going back now would be futile, redundant, or unnecessary. all this time his concern for the picture in the mirror never wavered. his heart was still full of feeling for that broken fawn.
but the mirror eventually showed only the empty road behind him...
or perhaps the headlights of other cars that drove past thinking it was a horrible situation...
but someone behind him would surely have done something...
to be honest, i can't recall how that sight allowed him, upon reflection, to pray for those people he had on his heart. i was busy sorting out this part of the story as it relates to the very difficulties he was having. i think we all see the bulk of this world through the rearview mirror. it's a picture or video on a small rectangular piece of glass showing us things that genuinely move us. they bring us to tears or make our hearts swell in anger or compassion or any number of genuine emotions. but the picture changes soon enough and, while we may reflect on it, we rarely go to the places where death and life hang in the balance. we rarely go to the places where it might cause our planned path to alter...where we might have to go back...where we might have to get out of our box containing the picture holder and touch the ones in the picture.
we hear that a cyclone could leave 1.5 million people dead...and we're deeply moved...but just inside. we're not physically moved. we see another 8 year old girl is shot while standing outside her house...and we think "what a world we live in"...but we stay in ours. we watch countless stories...each day they fill our windshields, and we manage to avoid them, and then watch sadly as they disappear.
it's tough. there's so many stories...never-ending stories. and sometimes getting hit and lying sprawled out on the pavement is entirely the fault of the story. why would we ever intervene when it's someone's own fault? even if it isn't, how can we ever keep up? as fast as one disappears, another one comes. sometimes they're 10 or 20 at a time. it's all we can do to keep from colliding with those stories. we're on a straight and narrow road and we've got somewhere to go. just the driving part of the story has loads of unpacking in it (what if we slowed down...walked? stayed?).
but what if we just stopped the car for one story...one picture. what if we turned around and didn't just feel for the situation...didn't just watch it slowly fade from memory? what if we all turned around for once...put the story back in front of us, stopped the car, and got involved? i think there's enough pictures to go around. i think we might see the collision that mattered was when we got out and met the story...met the people...met with Jesus. He did say that when we do intertwine with the story, we've done it unto Him. He also said if we don't, we don't know Him...not like we think we do.
that feeling we get when we look in the rearview is a good thing. it's a very good thing. it's just not designed to be the end of the story. it's not supposed to be left to wither under "someone else will get to that." it's supposed to make us turn around. without the action, we might as well just take down the mirrors. why entangle ourselves in those emotions if there's not gonna be some step, some turn, taken? we can focus on the race to the end of that straight and narrow road if we don't get distracted by these things. any runner will tell you turning around slows you down. any race car driver will tell you if you turn around you're gonna get passed. what kind of race would we be called to that asks us to turn around? maybe we're not supposed to turn around. maybe we're supposed to stop in the first place. maybe we should be so in tune with compassion, with loving mercy, that the race is walking humbly...and stopping at the collision instead of passing it. maybe we should be looking for places where collisions happen frequently and watching and waiting in those places.
i'm sure that all these pictures, whether a deer, the war in Iraq, or the 8 year old girl cause something in us. i'm sure that the response to pray...deeply...interventionally...would be a good thing. but we're praying for God to step in...and He's doing the same thing with us.
the story went that while in this difficult time of feeling intense compassion, yet unable to pray, that he was driving home through wisconsin and saw a doe and fawn on the side of a 4 lane highway. the deer decided to cross traffic as deer are prone to do. the doe made it, but the car in front of this guy hit the fawn's back legs and sent it spiraling down to the pavement. (at this point in the story, a collective gasp of empathy went out from the 100 or so folks in attendance.) this man made it around the deer without crippling it any further and then looked back through his rearview mirror to see the fawn frantically struggling to get up, but destined to its fate because of the injuries it sustained.
you know the number of thoughts that can flash through your mind in mere seconds...well, he had the same thing happen. he thought about going back to put it out of it's misery. he wondered how he would do that. he thought about the doe. and eventually, as the deer got smaller and smaller, he reasoned that someone else would have already intervened...called 911...called someone...and that going back now would be futile, redundant, or unnecessary. all this time his concern for the picture in the mirror never wavered. his heart was still full of feeling for that broken fawn.
but the mirror eventually showed only the empty road behind him...
or perhaps the headlights of other cars that drove past thinking it was a horrible situation...
but someone behind him would surely have done something...
to be honest, i can't recall how that sight allowed him, upon reflection, to pray for those people he had on his heart. i was busy sorting out this part of the story as it relates to the very difficulties he was having. i think we all see the bulk of this world through the rearview mirror. it's a picture or video on a small rectangular piece of glass showing us things that genuinely move us. they bring us to tears or make our hearts swell in anger or compassion or any number of genuine emotions. but the picture changes soon enough and, while we may reflect on it, we rarely go to the places where death and life hang in the balance. we rarely go to the places where it might cause our planned path to alter...where we might have to go back...where we might have to get out of our box containing the picture holder and touch the ones in the picture.
we hear that a cyclone could leave 1.5 million people dead...and we're deeply moved...but just inside. we're not physically moved. we see another 8 year old girl is shot while standing outside her house...and we think "what a world we live in"...but we stay in ours. we watch countless stories...each day they fill our windshields, and we manage to avoid them, and then watch sadly as they disappear.
it's tough. there's so many stories...never-ending stories. and sometimes getting hit and lying sprawled out on the pavement is entirely the fault of the story. why would we ever intervene when it's someone's own fault? even if it isn't, how can we ever keep up? as fast as one disappears, another one comes. sometimes they're 10 or 20 at a time. it's all we can do to keep from colliding with those stories. we're on a straight and narrow road and we've got somewhere to go. just the driving part of the story has loads of unpacking in it (what if we slowed down...walked? stayed?).
but what if we just stopped the car for one story...one picture. what if we turned around and didn't just feel for the situation...didn't just watch it slowly fade from memory? what if we all turned around for once...put the story back in front of us, stopped the car, and got involved? i think there's enough pictures to go around. i think we might see the collision that mattered was when we got out and met the story...met the people...met with Jesus. He did say that when we do intertwine with the story, we've done it unto Him. He also said if we don't, we don't know Him...not like we think we do.
that feeling we get when we look in the rearview is a good thing. it's a very good thing. it's just not designed to be the end of the story. it's not supposed to be left to wither under "someone else will get to that." it's supposed to make us turn around. without the action, we might as well just take down the mirrors. why entangle ourselves in those emotions if there's not gonna be some step, some turn, taken? we can focus on the race to the end of that straight and narrow road if we don't get distracted by these things. any runner will tell you turning around slows you down. any race car driver will tell you if you turn around you're gonna get passed. what kind of race would we be called to that asks us to turn around? maybe we're not supposed to turn around. maybe we're supposed to stop in the first place. maybe we should be so in tune with compassion, with loving mercy, that the race is walking humbly...and stopping at the collision instead of passing it. maybe we should be looking for places where collisions happen frequently and watching and waiting in those places.
i'm sure that all these pictures, whether a deer, the war in Iraq, or the 8 year old girl cause something in us. i'm sure that the response to pray...deeply...interventionally...would be a good thing. but we're praying for God to step in...and He's doing the same thing with us.
Monday, April 21, 2008
it's hard to believe
that one weekend could make up for the worst winter ever. but i played catch friday, and sat on the front porch with my guitar and a pot of coffee on saturday and sunday. both are very favorite passtimes of mine. i also went back to the shaved head summer mode, despite jodi's two votes for a cut with the old #1 length trimmer, and alisa's request for a mohawk. i could believe how long my hair got between september and now.
also hung out with the two J's, and chris and pam last night. it was a very funny night, including attempts at sexy cracker eating, and improvisational dance to no music...something at which i'm quite gifted.
then last night i went to Gallery Cabaret for the sunday night open mic. it was my first time at the sunday edition, and it's quite the different crowd. saw some pretty talented people i've not heard over there before, and then got the most complete and best compliment i've ever gotten about my music. it came from a 63 year old guy who's been in music his whole life and has known and played with some of the most well known folk artists of the 60's and 70's. it was more of a discussion, but i came away a little shocked. it made me want to work even harder, and i'm already working harder than i ever have.
and now today is absolutely beautiful. i get to ride my bike to work, and then i'm rehearsing with chris tofilon again tonight for thursday's show. should be good times.
i'm so glad winter is over.
and congrats to jessica hockaday on her engagement
the cubs are in first place
one of my kids i tutor went from mostly f's and some d's at the beginning of this year to all a's and one b. awesome work, gerald! (this was a collaborative effort...miss ruth, the 5th grade teacher at By The Hand, should get the lion's share of the credit).
so, yeah...outside of a ridiculous weekend of gun violence (37 shot, 7 killed), it's been a good few days.
also hung out with the two J's, and chris and pam last night. it was a very funny night, including attempts at sexy cracker eating, and improvisational dance to no music...something at which i'm quite gifted.
then last night i went to Gallery Cabaret for the sunday night open mic. it was my first time at the sunday edition, and it's quite the different crowd. saw some pretty talented people i've not heard over there before, and then got the most complete and best compliment i've ever gotten about my music. it came from a 63 year old guy who's been in music his whole life and has known and played with some of the most well known folk artists of the 60's and 70's. it was more of a discussion, but i came away a little shocked. it made me want to work even harder, and i'm already working harder than i ever have.
and now today is absolutely beautiful. i get to ride my bike to work, and then i'm rehearsing with chris tofilon again tonight for thursday's show. should be good times.
i'm so glad winter is over.
and congrats to jessica hockaday on her engagement
the cubs are in first place
one of my kids i tutor went from mostly f's and some d's at the beginning of this year to all a's and one b. awesome work, gerald! (this was a collaborative effort...miss ruth, the 5th grade teacher at By The Hand, should get the lion's share of the credit).
so, yeah...outside of a ridiculous weekend of gun violence (37 shot, 7 killed), it's been a good few days.
Saturday, April 19, 2008
Standing on the corner of Church and State
so...i've had a long bus ride and a few days to let my day in Springfield roll around in my brain. it's been no small task. it's not like there was just a few hours of governance to think about. the process i watched cranks up the deconstruction/reconstruction machine in me. it causes me to look at what my parents thought about government (a book in itself), what i heard from the Church about government (probably more of a set of never defined guidelines that i still was somehow supposed to adopt into life), what i've learned over the past 3 years about our country's history of government, particularly around social/justice issues, and what i've done...or not done...over the sum of my voting years.
i've only had the slightest interest in our government for the past 5 years or so. prior to that i voted, but avoided discussion or debate around voting, planks, baby-kissing, candidates, etc., at all costs. in my mind, government was a necessary thing. we couldn't do without it. we could barely live with it. but i had no real thoughts about it as a social construct. it did not affect me, for the most part, and i did not affect it. i knew that "of the people, by the people, and for the people" was an antiquated idea and that government in the 20th/21st centuries was more like "government of the government, by the government, and for the government". i paid and didn't cheat on my taxes, i joined the army after high school (something i'd actively resist at this point), and voted. i had a run-in or three with local governmental officers due to a rather heavy right foot, but i'm pretty sure they've forgotten about me by now.
i did once write a letter to the Sun-Times rebutting an editorial that bashed a christian candidate for something or other. i told the writer he did not seem to harangue other candidates for the planks they had chosen...that he should, as a fair-minded reporter (there's no picture in the dictionary for that one) not bring his personal thoughts on God into a political discussion. however, i then went on to admonish christians for trying to "legislate morality". i said it wasn't our place, and that we were supposed to change this world through our amazing inter-personal relationships. you know, those ones that are like "they'll know we are christians by our love"? yeah... anyway, someone over at the S-T liked it. it was their "letter of the day", and boy was i proud to get that message out there. i imagine a few evil people smiled happily, too.
so, i've pretty much hung my hat on that position for a number of years. then came this move back to the city. then came this move from the lucrative world of computer consulting to the...what's the opposite of lucrative???...world of social justice...race, economics, education, justice. and as much of my life over the past 5 years is nearly the complete opposite of life 10 years ago, now this whole "Church stay out of government" thing is changing.
i could, and may someday, write a whole lot on the current relationship between Church and State. democrat/republican, liberal/conservative...there's already a strong tie. but it's more on the systemic level than on a low level involvement. most of us aren't actively calling, writing, and visiting our elected officials (unless the words prayer in schools, abortion, or gay rights come up) and that's what i'm having to add into the reconstruction. i know the answer to the world's problems isn't government. but it sure ain't staying out of government, either.
there's always someone talking into these people's ears. there's a voice...of reason, of greed, of compassion, of power. and each ear is attached to people moved by all those things. what i learned is that something i've been saying to the people CURE (my NFP job) for a couple of years really applices to this. and the place i wouldn't want to be found dead isn't too very far from where i was. these numbers are arbitrary, simply designed to show the situation. in truth the middle ground number is probably even greater. but it goes like this. 5% of people are actively trying to take advantage of anyone and anything in order to get what they want. 5% are actively the checks and balances to those people. and 90% are either informed and too busy or lazy to do anything, or are completely ignorant of the state of things.
we have to be in that second group. it's our mission. it's true. i know we have a hard enough time with feeding the hungry, sheltering the homeless, clothing the naked, visiting the orphan, widow, and prisoner, and protecting the oppressed. but for each one of those groups is a group of people who have no problem putting and keeping them in that place. it's head out of the hole time. there are people who are unwilling to give up what they have or can get to do any of those things. that is the opposite mission of ours. we are supposed to give up what we cannot keep anyway, to gain what we cannot lose.
this is not "not doing injustice" anymore. this is doing justice. this is actively participating within the confines of our government to influence how our laws are made, and how and whom they benefit. if we are silent, if we are few, then those who are loud and many will drive how it works. this will take less American Idol (The Office for me) and more study on what legislation is coming up for voting. it will take more calling, more writing, more activism. it might mean taking a vacation day to work the rail or attend a rally.
it will mean talking about these issues within the Church. ok...this might make a few people mad. i pretty much don't care at this point. there is a part of the Church that is particularly disconnected from all this. it's me. and where i come from. it's white evangelicals. we don't talk about politics in the church. and do we ever look down our noses at anyone that would make the church a political place. well, there's got to be room for this. we've got to get over ourselves. i'm not saying to tell people how to vote (though we do seem to get our subtle, or not, ideas across on that, right?). but why can't we say educatedly "people, there's a plan by the state or city or county to do X. these groups are pushing hard to see it happen. here's how the whole idea of that is in contradition to the bible and the life of Jesus, and we've got to speak out, and stand alongside those who are affected."
it's like were the Sleeping Beauty bride. we're out cold and waiting for the Prince to come wake us and take us. this body, this Church is supposed to be fighting....not just to keep the 10 Commandments on a plaque in some courthouse. it's ironic, isn't it? we fight harder for that right than for the rights of the people who God says are His heart. seriously, people. we are...i am disconnected from how to fight these systems of injustice. sure, there are lots of things for us to do in our communities (might as well check ourselves on that, too...do we KNOW any Matthew 25 people?). but giving a dollar to a homeless guy, or even teaching them english has a personal effect. if we want to affect systems, broken systems, intentionally destructive systems, evil systems...anywhere on the spectrum, we need to be intelligent, loud, and wise. and they'll probably come in that order, too.
it's time to get busy. we have work to do. it's not all at the rail. but it's out there. it's not singing in the choir or teaching sunday school. those are important. but they do not generally include the Matthew 25, Isaiah 58, Micah 6 people. and it doesn't to a damn thing to oppose those who are bent on making this all go their way. the Kingdom will never be complete here on earth. but we say we follow Jesus, just like the people that asked Him how to pray. part of what He told them was to pray "Your Kingdom come, Your will be done...ON EARTH, as it is in heaven." guess what part makes it our work? Your will be done. here's the text from Isaiah 58, a commonly repeated text of His will. the highlights are mine just as they relate to this blog.
"Shout! A full-throated shout! Hold nothing back—a trumpet-blast shout!
Tell my people what's wrong with their lives,
face my family Jacob with their sins!
They're busy, busy, busy at worship,
and love studying all about me.
To all appearances they're a nation of right-living people—
law-abiding, God-honoring.
They ask me, 'What's the right thing to do?'
and love having me on their side.
But they also complain,
'Why do we fast and you don't look our way?
Why do we humble ourselves and you don't even notice?'
3-5"Well, here's why:
quit blaming victims,
quit gossiping about other people's sins,
If you are generous with the hungry
and start giving yourselves to the down-and-out,
Your lives will begin to glow in the darkness,
your shadowed lives will be bathed in sunlight.
I will always show you where to go.
I'll give you a full life in the emptiest of places—
firm muscles, strong bones.
You'll be like a well-watered garden,
a gurgling spring that never runs dry.
You'll use the old rubble of past lives to build anew,
rebuild the foundations from out of your past.
You'll be known as those who can fix anything,
restore old ruins, rebuild and renovate,
make the community livable again. 13-14"If you watch your step on the Sabbath
and don't use my holy day for personal advantage,
If you treat the Sabbath as a day of joy,
God's holy day as a celebration,
If you honor it by refusing 'business as usual,'
making money, running here and there—
Then you'll be free to enjoy God!
Oh, I'll make you ride high and soar above it all.
i've only had the slightest interest in our government for the past 5 years or so. prior to that i voted, but avoided discussion or debate around voting, planks, baby-kissing, candidates, etc., at all costs. in my mind, government was a necessary thing. we couldn't do without it. we could barely live with it. but i had no real thoughts about it as a social construct. it did not affect me, for the most part, and i did not affect it. i knew that "of the people, by the people, and for the people" was an antiquated idea and that government in the 20th/21st centuries was more like "government of the government, by the government, and for the government". i paid and didn't cheat on my taxes, i joined the army after high school (something i'd actively resist at this point), and voted. i had a run-in or three with local governmental officers due to a rather heavy right foot, but i'm pretty sure they've forgotten about me by now.
i did once write a letter to the Sun-Times rebutting an editorial that bashed a christian candidate for something or other. i told the writer he did not seem to harangue other candidates for the planks they had chosen...that he should, as a fair-minded reporter (there's no picture in the dictionary for that one) not bring his personal thoughts on God into a political discussion. however, i then went on to admonish christians for trying to "legislate morality". i said it wasn't our place, and that we were supposed to change this world through our amazing inter-personal relationships. you know, those ones that are like "they'll know we are christians by our love"? yeah... anyway, someone over at the S-T liked it. it was their "letter of the day", and boy was i proud to get that message out there. i imagine a few evil people smiled happily, too.
so, i've pretty much hung my hat on that position for a number of years. then came this move back to the city. then came this move from the lucrative world of computer consulting to the...what's the opposite of lucrative???...world of social justice...race, economics, education, justice. and as much of my life over the past 5 years is nearly the complete opposite of life 10 years ago, now this whole "Church stay out of government" thing is changing.
i could, and may someday, write a whole lot on the current relationship between Church and State. democrat/republican, liberal/conservative...there's already a strong tie. but it's more on the systemic level than on a low level involvement. most of us aren't actively calling, writing, and visiting our elected officials (unless the words prayer in schools, abortion, or gay rights come up) and that's what i'm having to add into the reconstruction. i know the answer to the world's problems isn't government. but it sure ain't staying out of government, either.
there's always someone talking into these people's ears. there's a voice...of reason, of greed, of compassion, of power. and each ear is attached to people moved by all those things. what i learned is that something i've been saying to the people CURE (my NFP job) for a couple of years really applices to this. and the place i wouldn't want to be found dead isn't too very far from where i was. these numbers are arbitrary, simply designed to show the situation. in truth the middle ground number is probably even greater. but it goes like this. 5% of people are actively trying to take advantage of anyone and anything in order to get what they want. 5% are actively the checks and balances to those people. and 90% are either informed and too busy or lazy to do anything, or are completely ignorant of the state of things.
we have to be in that second group. it's our mission. it's true. i know we have a hard enough time with feeding the hungry, sheltering the homeless, clothing the naked, visiting the orphan, widow, and prisoner, and protecting the oppressed. but for each one of those groups is a group of people who have no problem putting and keeping them in that place. it's head out of the hole time. there are people who are unwilling to give up what they have or can get to do any of those things. that is the opposite mission of ours. we are supposed to give up what we cannot keep anyway, to gain what we cannot lose.
this is not "not doing injustice" anymore. this is doing justice. this is actively participating within the confines of our government to influence how our laws are made, and how and whom they benefit. if we are silent, if we are few, then those who are loud and many will drive how it works. this will take less American Idol (The Office for me) and more study on what legislation is coming up for voting. it will take more calling, more writing, more activism. it might mean taking a vacation day to work the rail or attend a rally.
it will mean talking about these issues within the Church. ok...this might make a few people mad. i pretty much don't care at this point. there is a part of the Church that is particularly disconnected from all this. it's me. and where i come from. it's white evangelicals. we don't talk about politics in the church. and do we ever look down our noses at anyone that would make the church a political place. well, there's got to be room for this. we've got to get over ourselves. i'm not saying to tell people how to vote (though we do seem to get our subtle, or not, ideas across on that, right?). but why can't we say educatedly "people, there's a plan by the state or city or county to do X. these groups are pushing hard to see it happen. here's how the whole idea of that is in contradition to the bible and the life of Jesus, and we've got to speak out, and stand alongside those who are affected."
it's like were the Sleeping Beauty bride. we're out cold and waiting for the Prince to come wake us and take us. this body, this Church is supposed to be fighting....not just to keep the 10 Commandments on a plaque in some courthouse. it's ironic, isn't it? we fight harder for that right than for the rights of the people who God says are His heart. seriously, people. we are...i am disconnected from how to fight these systems of injustice. sure, there are lots of things for us to do in our communities (might as well check ourselves on that, too...do we KNOW any Matthew 25 people?). but giving a dollar to a homeless guy, or even teaching them english has a personal effect. if we want to affect systems, broken systems, intentionally destructive systems, evil systems...anywhere on the spectrum, we need to be intelligent, loud, and wise. and they'll probably come in that order, too.
it's time to get busy. we have work to do. it's not all at the rail. but it's out there. it's not singing in the choir or teaching sunday school. those are important. but they do not generally include the Matthew 25, Isaiah 58, Micah 6 people. and it doesn't to a damn thing to oppose those who are bent on making this all go their way. the Kingdom will never be complete here on earth. but we say we follow Jesus, just like the people that asked Him how to pray. part of what He told them was to pray "Your Kingdom come, Your will be done...ON EARTH, as it is in heaven." guess what part makes it our work? Your will be done. here's the text from Isaiah 58, a commonly repeated text of His will. the highlights are mine just as they relate to this blog.
"Shout! A full-throated shout! Hold nothing back—a trumpet-blast shout!
Tell my people what's wrong with their lives,
face my family Jacob with their sins!
They're busy, busy, busy at worship,
and love studying all about me.
To all appearances they're a nation of right-living people—
law-abiding, God-honoring.
They ask me, 'What's the right thing to do?'
and love having me on their side.
But they also complain,
'Why do we fast and you don't look our way?
Why do we humble ourselves and you don't even notice?'
3-5"Well, here's why:
"The bottom line on your 'fast days' is profit.
You drive your employees much too hard.
You fast, but at the same time you bicker and fight.
You fast, but you swing a mean fist.
The kind of fasting you do
won't get your prayers off the ground.
Do you think this is the kind of fast day I'm after:
a day to show off humility?
To put on a pious long face
and parade around solemnly in black?
Do you call that fasting,
a fast day that I, God, would like?
6-9"This is the kind of fast day I'm after:
to break the chains of injustice,
get rid of exploitation in the workplace,
free the oppressed,
cancel debts.
What I'm interested in seeing you do is:
sharing your food with the hungry,
inviting the homeless poor into your homes,
putting clothes on the shivering ill-clad,
being available to your own families.
Do this and the lights will turn on,
and your lives will turn around at once.
Your righteousness will pave your way.
The God of glory will secure your passage.
Then when you pray, God will answer.
You'll call out for help and I'll say, 'Here I am.'
A Full Life in the Emptiest of Places
9-12"If you get rid of unfair practices,quit blaming victims,
quit gossiping about other people's sins,
If you are generous with the hungry
and start giving yourselves to the down-and-out,
Your lives will begin to glow in the darkness,
your shadowed lives will be bathed in sunlight.
I will always show you where to go.
I'll give you a full life in the emptiest of places—
firm muscles, strong bones.
You'll be like a well-watered garden,
a gurgling spring that never runs dry.
You'll use the old rubble of past lives to build anew,
rebuild the foundations from out of your past.
You'll be known as those who can fix anything,
restore old ruins, rebuild and renovate,
make the community livable again. 13-14"If you watch your step on the Sabbath
and don't use my holy day for personal advantage,
If you treat the Sabbath as a day of joy,
God's holy day as a celebration,
If you honor it by refusing 'business as usual,'
making money, running here and there—
Then you'll be free to enjoy God!
Oh, I'll make you ride high and soar above it all.
Thursday, April 17, 2008
Mr. Heldman goes to Wash...er...Springfield
yesterday i had the opportunity to go to Springfield, IL with a group of CAPS (Community Alternative Policing Strategy) volunteers, organizers, and police representatives. the goal was to lobby two bills being put before the House. one, HR 758, was calling for universal background checks, regardless of where one purchases a gun. its main goal was to close the loophole that lets private handgun sales (person to person) be conducted without a background check(this bill would not affect rifles/shotgun sales). currently only sales from registered gun dealers are required to have background checks. the second bill never made it up for a vote, but it was to re-enact the assault weapons ban here in the state.
i learned a few things in this lobbying process yesterday. as our leader, Glen Brooks, told us on the way down, this legislature thing is an art, not a science. here's a few things about the process itself.
"working the rail". that's what we went to do...along with a few hundred other people. and that's just the everyday sorts of folks. there were lots of meetings happening in hallways and rooms with people going on, as well. working the rail is essentially crowding around the entrance to chambers and requesting an audience with one's Representative. we were given a list of state reps who were on the fence on the universal handgun background check issue, and told to request for them to come out and meet with us. my rep (Berrios) was not on the list, but Annazette Collins was. her district lies pretty much in the middle of the triangle made by where i live, work, and tutor...humboldt park, lawndale, and austin, respectively.
it took a bit but she finally came out and we talked for about 5 minutes about the various common sense gun bills out there. she told me she would vote yes on HR 758. seemed pretty much like she had already decided that, but Glen told me later that was a huge conversation...he had listened in, i guess. we worked to get other reps out to talk...some came...some didn't. one chicago rep, whose name i didn't get, came and talked with us for several minutes. he pretty much gave us the lay of the land regarding both sides of the line on this bill.
we worked the rail for about an hour and then went up to the gallery to watch our legislature at work. hmmmm...what a process. what may have worked quite well in 1808, and maybe even 1908, sure seems to be a little overmatched for 2008. i doubt the founding fathers could have seen the sorts of issues that would come up for the governments of today. we sat in chambers for about an hour. we saw about 10 bills come up to a vote. while the bills were explained and debated (if they were debated), our reps were talking on the phone, talking to each other, out at the rail. and then when the votes came up, i watched one rep go and press the voting button of 6 or 7 reps (a whole row) who weren't at their desks. not once, not twice, but on nearly every bill.
not only were they not at their desks, or listening to the bill or debate...several times they didn't know at all what the bill was about prior to the introduction of the bill to the floor. this is where i don't think Washington/Adams/Jefferson could ever have foreseen the volume and variance of things presented to the lawmakers. so we had 116 reps on the floor that day and we expect that they have qualified knowledge on dozens of bills. it's not possible. i watched one rep, probably barely 30 years old, struggle to explain a bill he was presenting. when pressed by republicans on the purpose of the bill, he stammered, hemmed and hawed, about exactly what veterans this will would serve (under 100 in the whole state). he had an assistant to his right who looked up answers in a few different file folders. after a few minutes of being pressed, he asked that the assembly vote "Aye" on his bill. it passed without a "Nay" vote. and was one of the bills for which i saw one person press several voting buttons.
our bill hadn't come up by 2 pm, and we were supposed to be part of a press conference, so we left the gallery and went to a press room. we were instructed to not comment or ask questions of the 12 or so alderman, deputy police superintendent, and several other pretty high ranking city officials that had come down in support of HR 758. they had come to meet with House Speaker Madigan, as well as several representatives who were opposed to passage. it took about 20 minutes for them to get there, as well as the reporters. the aldermen and other officials spoke for about 15 minutes and then the floor was opened for questions. the first two were from a 70 something year old man and a pastor, both part of our group. it was hilarious. (when we debriefed on the bus later, the pastor said "it's not my fault...they asked for questions" however, he didn't ask one. he preached...literally)
after about 10 minutes of questions from the press it was over and we were told that HR758 had just been presented for debate. it was our original intent to leave after the press conference, but we were told by a lobby group (IGA...don't know exactly how they relate to us) that we had been effective in our lobbying and we should watch. so...back up to the gallery for lesson number 2 on the legislative process.
none of the bills we had seen to this point were debated to this extent. it went for over an hour. and it could not have been more divided down party lines. essentially, we the people, were told that this gun problem, this 20 out of 23 CPS students killed by gunfire, this illegal gun running into the city...this was all a chicago problem. we were told that because owning a handgun in chicago is already illegal, that if we simply enforced the laws we already have we would quite obviously cure the ills of illegal handguns. never mind the fact that we add laws to currently enforceable laws all the time to tighten the restrictions (e.g. zero-tolerance laws for underage drinking, or new penalties/restrictions for driving in construction zones. we were told that the only real intent of this bill was to force law-abiding citizens who desire to sell their handguns to add another step to the process. apparently everyone outside of the city of chicago is a law-abiding citizen.
the time for voting came. the speaker had to ask for a verified vote, meaning this vote would be actually voted on by each rep. no button pressing for the row on this one. this was going to be verified. sort of makes one less thrilled with all the non-verified votes out there.
now, of the current 4 common sense gun bills, none has ever passed. they've been presented for at least four years each now. they are greatly opposed by the NRA (if you need to know how powerful, and insensitive, that group is, go watch Bowling for Columbine). last wednesday the "one gun a month" bill which would allow a person to only purchase one handgun a month received only 53 of the 60 votes it would need to pass. and, like HR 758, it would not apply to rifles or shotguns...only handguns. so when the voting started and no's quickly outnumbered yes's, we thought we were in for more of the same. but the sides evened up around 40, and eventually green was up 59-55. two votes left to cast. and then before the last two were cast, someone switched. it went to 58-56. and then the last two votes. two red ones. 59-57. and still we heard a murmer through the gallery...a majority! and then from the floor came "WAIT!" and someone again switched. 58-58. dead even. it didn't pass. it's the closest one has ever come. last week's 53 votes was the highest before that.
i'll leave this entry to end here. it's more of the working of the government. rather than lengthen it more, i'll put my thoughts and feelings into another entry, so as to save your eyes and scrollbar. but based on yesterday, my guess is Mr. Heldman goes to Springfield again. and probably gets a little more involved in the political process than he ever hoped or intended to.
i learned a few things in this lobbying process yesterday. as our leader, Glen Brooks, told us on the way down, this legislature thing is an art, not a science. here's a few things about the process itself.
"working the rail". that's what we went to do...along with a few hundred other people. and that's just the everyday sorts of folks. there were lots of meetings happening in hallways and rooms with people going on, as well. working the rail is essentially crowding around the entrance to chambers and requesting an audience with one's Representative. we were given a list of state reps who were on the fence on the universal handgun background check issue, and told to request for them to come out and meet with us. my rep (Berrios) was not on the list, but Annazette Collins was. her district lies pretty much in the middle of the triangle made by where i live, work, and tutor...humboldt park, lawndale, and austin, respectively.
it took a bit but she finally came out and we talked for about 5 minutes about the various common sense gun bills out there. she told me she would vote yes on HR 758. seemed pretty much like she had already decided that, but Glen told me later that was a huge conversation...he had listened in, i guess. we worked to get other reps out to talk...some came...some didn't. one chicago rep, whose name i didn't get, came and talked with us for several minutes. he pretty much gave us the lay of the land regarding both sides of the line on this bill.
we worked the rail for about an hour and then went up to the gallery to watch our legislature at work. hmmmm...what a process. what may have worked quite well in 1808, and maybe even 1908, sure seems to be a little overmatched for 2008. i doubt the founding fathers could have seen the sorts of issues that would come up for the governments of today. we sat in chambers for about an hour. we saw about 10 bills come up to a vote. while the bills were explained and debated (if they were debated), our reps were talking on the phone, talking to each other, out at the rail. and then when the votes came up, i watched one rep go and press the voting button of 6 or 7 reps (a whole row) who weren't at their desks. not once, not twice, but on nearly every bill.
not only were they not at their desks, or listening to the bill or debate...several times they didn't know at all what the bill was about prior to the introduction of the bill to the floor. this is where i don't think Washington/Adams/Jefferson could ever have foreseen the volume and variance of things presented to the lawmakers. so we had 116 reps on the floor that day and we expect that they have qualified knowledge on dozens of bills. it's not possible. i watched one rep, probably barely 30 years old, struggle to explain a bill he was presenting. when pressed by republicans on the purpose of the bill, he stammered, hemmed and hawed, about exactly what veterans this will would serve (under 100 in the whole state). he had an assistant to his right who looked up answers in a few different file folders. after a few minutes of being pressed, he asked that the assembly vote "Aye" on his bill. it passed without a "Nay" vote. and was one of the bills for which i saw one person press several voting buttons.
our bill hadn't come up by 2 pm, and we were supposed to be part of a press conference, so we left the gallery and went to a press room. we were instructed to not comment or ask questions of the 12 or so alderman, deputy police superintendent, and several other pretty high ranking city officials that had come down in support of HR 758. they had come to meet with House Speaker Madigan, as well as several representatives who were opposed to passage. it took about 20 minutes for them to get there, as well as the reporters. the aldermen and other officials spoke for about 15 minutes and then the floor was opened for questions. the first two were from a 70 something year old man and a pastor, both part of our group. it was hilarious. (when we debriefed on the bus later, the pastor said "it's not my fault...they asked for questions" however, he didn't ask one. he preached...literally)
after about 10 minutes of questions from the press it was over and we were told that HR758 had just been presented for debate. it was our original intent to leave after the press conference, but we were told by a lobby group (IGA...don't know exactly how they relate to us) that we had been effective in our lobbying and we should watch. so...back up to the gallery for lesson number 2 on the legislative process.
none of the bills we had seen to this point were debated to this extent. it went for over an hour. and it could not have been more divided down party lines. essentially, we the people, were told that this gun problem, this 20 out of 23 CPS students killed by gunfire, this illegal gun running into the city...this was all a chicago problem. we were told that because owning a handgun in chicago is already illegal, that if we simply enforced the laws we already have we would quite obviously cure the ills of illegal handguns. never mind the fact that we add laws to currently enforceable laws all the time to tighten the restrictions (e.g. zero-tolerance laws for underage drinking, or new penalties/restrictions for driving in construction zones. we were told that the only real intent of this bill was to force law-abiding citizens who desire to sell their handguns to add another step to the process. apparently everyone outside of the city of chicago is a law-abiding citizen.
the time for voting came. the speaker had to ask for a verified vote, meaning this vote would be actually voted on by each rep. no button pressing for the row on this one. this was going to be verified. sort of makes one less thrilled with all the non-verified votes out there.
now, of the current 4 common sense gun bills, none has ever passed. they've been presented for at least four years each now. they are greatly opposed by the NRA (if you need to know how powerful, and insensitive, that group is, go watch Bowling for Columbine). last wednesday the "one gun a month" bill which would allow a person to only purchase one handgun a month received only 53 of the 60 votes it would need to pass. and, like HR 758, it would not apply to rifles or shotguns...only handguns. so when the voting started and no's quickly outnumbered yes's, we thought we were in for more of the same. but the sides evened up around 40, and eventually green was up 59-55. two votes left to cast. and then before the last two were cast, someone switched. it went to 58-56. and then the last two votes. two red ones. 59-57. and still we heard a murmer through the gallery...a majority! and then from the floor came "WAIT!" and someone again switched. 58-58. dead even. it didn't pass. it's the closest one has ever come. last week's 53 votes was the highest before that.
i'll leave this entry to end here. it's more of the working of the government. rather than lengthen it more, i'll put my thoughts and feelings into another entry, so as to save your eyes and scrollbar. but based on yesterday, my guess is Mr. Heldman goes to Springfield again. and probably gets a little more involved in the political process than he ever hoped or intended to.
Monday, April 14, 2008
i need some ment-lax
i am in a freaking lyrical funk. which is somewhat of a problem since every time i touch my guitar i write a new song..or two...or three. i am doing a study in two and three chord songs right now...seeing what i come up with when i drop some of the 2nds and 6ths and such and just work in simplicity. and i'm loving it.
don't get me wrong. the stuff i've written that has survived and made it into my sets these days is some of my favorite music ever. i've got stuff in DADGAD tuning with two capos and keep finding more interesting configurations. the group of musicians i spend every thursday night with have had nothing but praise for that stuff...which always feels good. and i did an hour long set last monday for about 10 people who had good things to say about my lyrics. but i was inspired by one Glen Hansard to see how simple i could go.
my roommate, danny, bought the Once soundtrack and we sat down to listen to it. i got my guitar out and, i'll be darned...i was able to play pretty much everything he did within 30 seconds. standard tunings, simple finger picking patterns, easy rhythms...and yet i freaking loved the songs.
so, i started with two chords...eventually added a third for the chorus...and literally played it for about two straight hours. i had so much fun creating melodies to those two chords. then i picked a couple of different chords, in a different key, capoed the guitar up about 7 frets to see what might come ouf of that...and played that for about two more hours.
trouble is, i need to find a lyrical laxative. i wrote one set for the second song. it was the most pathetic thing i've ever written. not bad/pathetic. sad/pathetic. like if someone took vince gill's most sorrowful music and attached that machine from The Princess Bride/pathetic. i saved it, of course, in case vince ever comes calling again for a song (you must know about the best burn ever to understand the "again" part). but it's not going into my repertoire.
my friend, brooke, used to tell me free writing was the ultimate unblockage technique, so i'll probably get to doing some of that tonight...and tomorrow...and for as along as it takes for a decent line to pop out of my head. meanwhile...if you know anyone who's writing lyrics every time they sit down with a pen but is haveing a severe music blockage, please send them my way.
don't get me wrong. the stuff i've written that has survived and made it into my sets these days is some of my favorite music ever. i've got stuff in DADGAD tuning with two capos and keep finding more interesting configurations. the group of musicians i spend every thursday night with have had nothing but praise for that stuff...which always feels good. and i did an hour long set last monday for about 10 people who had good things to say about my lyrics. but i was inspired by one Glen Hansard to see how simple i could go.
my roommate, danny, bought the Once soundtrack and we sat down to listen to it. i got my guitar out and, i'll be darned...i was able to play pretty much everything he did within 30 seconds. standard tunings, simple finger picking patterns, easy rhythms...and yet i freaking loved the songs.
so, i started with two chords...eventually added a third for the chorus...and literally played it for about two straight hours. i had so much fun creating melodies to those two chords. then i picked a couple of different chords, in a different key, capoed the guitar up about 7 frets to see what might come ouf of that...and played that for about two more hours.
trouble is, i need to find a lyrical laxative. i wrote one set for the second song. it was the most pathetic thing i've ever written. not bad/pathetic. sad/pathetic. like if someone took vince gill's most sorrowful music and attached that machine from The Princess Bride/pathetic. i saved it, of course, in case vince ever comes calling again for a song (you must know about the best burn ever to understand the "again" part). but it's not going into my repertoire.
my friend, brooke, used to tell me free writing was the ultimate unblockage technique, so i'll probably get to doing some of that tonight...and tomorrow...and for as along as it takes for a decent line to pop out of my head. meanwhile...if you know anyone who's writing lyrics every time they sit down with a pen but is haveing a severe music blockage, please send them my way.
Sunday, April 6, 2008
when i knew you...
amnesia has always been an intriguing thing to me i can't imagine just forgetting everything you knew...or even a significant part of it. i get frustrated when i can't remember a name or song title or something, so forgetting it all has gotta suck.
i remember (thank God!) watching The Notebook and thinking how hard that situation would be on both parties. maybe the woman with alzheimers doesn't ever notice that she doesn't remember. maybe she's just in this place of getting through each day. maybe she's not really all that frustrated because she doesn't know what she's forgotten.
but the husband? how difficult must that be? what kind of love prompts someone to continue to try bringing back the one that once loved back? how many times had he read that story to her? how many times did she get a glimpse of their former glory? the passion and history that once bonded the two as one?
well, i was thinking the other day on something i've heard my whole life. in jeremiah 1 it says that before we were formed in the womb God knew us. i used to sort of dismiss that as He knew about us. had a blueprint somewhere on the wall for when it came time to put cells together. but yesterday i was thinking...what if He KNEW us? and now we're here in these human bodies and we've forgotten what it's like to be known? i mean, we fight our whole lives to be known...to know ourselves, or to find someone that knows us. we use not being known by someone as a way to remind them of the distance they actually are from us. we long to be known.
what if the part of each of us that knows there is a God in pursuit of us is like that woman from The Notebook? we'd be unaware of the depth of love we've forgotten. we'd get weary trying to fight through the cloudy haze that always seemed to cover whatever parts of us were aware. and wouldn't we seem to be empty...nearly shells of what it seems we were made to be?
wouldn't the husband long to see the amnesia go away? wouldn't He do anything to bring His bride out of it? wouldn't He tell His love story in the hopes that one day the faded, foggy, and lost memories would be lifted and His love would be returned fully by one who knew Him?
i wonder if there's not something deep inside us that knows...and just needs to hear the story over and over again to be reminded...being known is possible. it's already happened. we've just forgotten...
i remember (thank God!) watching The Notebook and thinking how hard that situation would be on both parties. maybe the woman with alzheimers doesn't ever notice that she doesn't remember. maybe she's just in this place of getting through each day. maybe she's not really all that frustrated because she doesn't know what she's forgotten.
but the husband? how difficult must that be? what kind of love prompts someone to continue to try bringing back the one that once loved back? how many times had he read that story to her? how many times did she get a glimpse of their former glory? the passion and history that once bonded the two as one?
well, i was thinking the other day on something i've heard my whole life. in jeremiah 1 it says that before we were formed in the womb God knew us. i used to sort of dismiss that as He knew about us. had a blueprint somewhere on the wall for when it came time to put cells together. but yesterday i was thinking...what if He KNEW us? and now we're here in these human bodies and we've forgotten what it's like to be known? i mean, we fight our whole lives to be known...to know ourselves, or to find someone that knows us. we use not being known by someone as a way to remind them of the distance they actually are from us. we long to be known.
what if the part of each of us that knows there is a God in pursuit of us is like that woman from The Notebook? we'd be unaware of the depth of love we've forgotten. we'd get weary trying to fight through the cloudy haze that always seemed to cover whatever parts of us were aware. and wouldn't we seem to be empty...nearly shells of what it seems we were made to be?
wouldn't the husband long to see the amnesia go away? wouldn't He do anything to bring His bride out of it? wouldn't He tell His love story in the hopes that one day the faded, foggy, and lost memories would be lifted and His love would be returned fully by one who knew Him?
i wonder if there's not something deep inside us that knows...and just needs to hear the story over and over again to be reminded...being known is possible. it's already happened. we've just forgotten...
Saturday, April 5, 2008
WKWJWD
i like to think a lot of things about myself. i'd like to think i have a pretty even-keeled notion of who i am, what i believe, etc. etc.. i do, however, seem to find myself lately in situations where what i think i know, and who i think i am aren't necessarily who i am and what i know.
so...if one were to peruse my facebook page one would see that my religious views are stated as "i follow Jesus' teaching." i'd say that implies that i know them to a reasonable extent. i do try to live like He did, as best as i can. anyone who knows me know i'm not very concerned with living the way the church says to do it...unless that lines up with how Jesus did. i've got little use for religion and rules that are man-made. so, if i'm gonna live like that, again, i should be able to feel confident in knowing the bracelet phrase...what would Jesus do. uh...yeah...about that?
so i'm riding the bus on wednesday, heading down ashland to the green line so i can go do the good thing of tutoring these really amazing 5th graders in the austin neighborhood. children and justice were always dear to the heart of God, so i'm sure i'm on the right track. only, when we get to the fullerton stop, headed south, the mostly full bus fills up with exactly the right number of people so that no seat shall be left empty. the last one is next to me, and while i gaze out the window, the last woman to get on sits down next to me. no worries. i never hog a seat (see how well i do this life?). so, i'm chilling to chopin on my ipod and i notice the smell of alchohol. or maybe, more accurately, i'm overwhelmed by it. a moment after it hits me, i get a tap on the shoulder. i turn to see a lovely, middle-aged woman who is plastered, hammered, three sheets to the wind, gone. she wants to talk.
she's bright-eyed for her condition and definitely a friendly drinker. she is not intelligible, though, and sounds much like bill cosby's take on drinking and talking. i do get one word from her...daughter. i'm not sure what about her daughter, but she's animatedly talking about her. i smile and nod for about 2 minutes and realize this is going nowhere. i begin looking for the slightest break in the action to put my headphones back on and turn back toward the window. the moment comes and i seize it. she is undeterred.
though i am watching the same scenery i've seen every wednesday for the past 6 months, and have my ears covered, she is is continuing to talk to me. she's bumping into me as she talks, certainly trying to regain my attention. now i am undeterred. after about 5 minutes she gets up and moves to another open seat where she proceeds to fall asleep.
and i am struck with this thought: although i cannot say what He would have done in my situation, the one thing about which i am sure is that He would not have put His headphones back on and turned away toward the window. i have done the one thing i am sure would not have happened. it wasn't because i lacked compassion for her. it wasn't because she disgusted me. it wasn't because i had something to which i was already committed. i just didn't know what to do.
i started thinking about the bracelet phrase and what Jesus would do in my shoes. would He just continue to listen to her blather? would He simply understand it and be able to converse with her because of that? would He just reach out and touch her and say "Be Sober!" and she'd be shocked and awed and fall at His feet? the scenarios i thought out all seemed to lead to one conclusion...He had power that i just didn't have. and then i remembered...
"you will do greater things that these..." or that peter raised someone from the dead, which certainly has to be harder than sobering up a drunk person. or that he walked on water, which might be harder than both of those. that chains fell off imprisoned people. a litany of "powered up" people came to mind and i thought about my supposed connection to that power. or my supposed knowledge of the God behind it all. and i realized...i don't know Jesus anywhere near as well as i'd like to think. i didn't stop and ask for wisdom in what to do. i didn't pray for strength, or for understanding, or for anything really. i did eventually, but it was 6 hours later during a meditation time at church.
so...who knows what Jesus would do. i don't. i'm aiming to find out...or to be more prepared for what comes across my path spontaneously rather than what's planned. i'm not beating myself up for finding out i'm really not all that much like God. i was pretty clear on the gap before this happened. but i do want to follow Jesus' teaching. i do want to treat people like He did. i do want to care for those who are not cared for and fight for the shalom of the earth...to see the Kingdom on earth, as it is in heaven. i'm not content with "oops...guess i messed that up." i do want to know that i'm plugged in to a dead-raising, chain-breaking, sickness-healing God in such a way that He could use me for whatever might need to happen and i'd not suddenly think i was the Pope. i guess the perspective on the gap allows me to move to close it.
so...if one were to peruse my facebook page one would see that my religious views are stated as "i follow Jesus' teaching." i'd say that implies that i know them to a reasonable extent. i do try to live like He did, as best as i can. anyone who knows me know i'm not very concerned with living the way the church says to do it...unless that lines up with how Jesus did. i've got little use for religion and rules that are man-made. so, if i'm gonna live like that, again, i should be able to feel confident in knowing the bracelet phrase...what would Jesus do. uh...yeah...about that?
so i'm riding the bus on wednesday, heading down ashland to the green line so i can go do the good thing of tutoring these really amazing 5th graders in the austin neighborhood. children and justice were always dear to the heart of God, so i'm sure i'm on the right track. only, when we get to the fullerton stop, headed south, the mostly full bus fills up with exactly the right number of people so that no seat shall be left empty. the last one is next to me, and while i gaze out the window, the last woman to get on sits down next to me. no worries. i never hog a seat (see how well i do this life?). so, i'm chilling to chopin on my ipod and i notice the smell of alchohol. or maybe, more accurately, i'm overwhelmed by it. a moment after it hits me, i get a tap on the shoulder. i turn to see a lovely, middle-aged woman who is plastered, hammered, three sheets to the wind, gone. she wants to talk.
she's bright-eyed for her condition and definitely a friendly drinker. she is not intelligible, though, and sounds much like bill cosby's take on drinking and talking. i do get one word from her...daughter. i'm not sure what about her daughter, but she's animatedly talking about her. i smile and nod for about 2 minutes and realize this is going nowhere. i begin looking for the slightest break in the action to put my headphones back on and turn back toward the window. the moment comes and i seize it. she is undeterred.
though i am watching the same scenery i've seen every wednesday for the past 6 months, and have my ears covered, she is is continuing to talk to me. she's bumping into me as she talks, certainly trying to regain my attention. now i am undeterred. after about 5 minutes she gets up and moves to another open seat where she proceeds to fall asleep.
and i am struck with this thought: although i cannot say what He would have done in my situation, the one thing about which i am sure is that He would not have put His headphones back on and turned away toward the window. i have done the one thing i am sure would not have happened. it wasn't because i lacked compassion for her. it wasn't because she disgusted me. it wasn't because i had something to which i was already committed. i just didn't know what to do.
i started thinking about the bracelet phrase and what Jesus would do in my shoes. would He just continue to listen to her blather? would He simply understand it and be able to converse with her because of that? would He just reach out and touch her and say "Be Sober!" and she'd be shocked and awed and fall at His feet? the scenarios i thought out all seemed to lead to one conclusion...He had power that i just didn't have. and then i remembered...
"you will do greater things that these..." or that peter raised someone from the dead, which certainly has to be harder than sobering up a drunk person. or that he walked on water, which might be harder than both of those. that chains fell off imprisoned people. a litany of "powered up" people came to mind and i thought about my supposed connection to that power. or my supposed knowledge of the God behind it all. and i realized...i don't know Jesus anywhere near as well as i'd like to think. i didn't stop and ask for wisdom in what to do. i didn't pray for strength, or for understanding, or for anything really. i did eventually, but it was 6 hours later during a meditation time at church.
so...who knows what Jesus would do. i don't. i'm aiming to find out...or to be more prepared for what comes across my path spontaneously rather than what's planned. i'm not beating myself up for finding out i'm really not all that much like God. i was pretty clear on the gap before this happened. but i do want to follow Jesus' teaching. i do want to treat people like He did. i do want to care for those who are not cared for and fight for the shalom of the earth...to see the Kingdom on earth, as it is in heaven. i'm not content with "oops...guess i messed that up." i do want to know that i'm plugged in to a dead-raising, chain-breaking, sickness-healing God in such a way that He could use me for whatever might need to happen and i'd not suddenly think i was the Pope. i guess the perspective on the gap allows me to move to close it.
Tuesday, March 4, 2008
egg foo yung, vegetable soup, hookah, and port wine...
yesterday morning i had a few bites of cantaloupe before i rushed out to work. i grabbed a large decaf coffee, drank it on the bus, and grabbed two more from Dunkin Donuts so i wouldn't have to leave during my break to grab one. (i had not dressed for the drastic drop in temperatures from sunday to monday)
on my way home, i decided to stop at my local chinese food shop to pick up some dinner. i get a small shrimp egg foo yung for the protein, and a vegetable soup for...the vegetables. they're freshly steamed and so good. so the first substantive thing i ate all day was at 6 pm. i saved the soup to eat around 8 to let my system work a little less hurriedly.
at about 8:30 danny and i fired up my new hookah (thanks, danny/shane/jenn) and had a nice session with our friend, citrus mint. danny likes the heavier flavors like double apple and elephant dung. that's not a flavor...yet...but if it was, danny would love it. i, on the other hand prefer sessions that do not require The Lung Brush afterwards. i'm sure they're all equally bad for me, but that's beside the point. citrus mint is light and airy, like damaging smoke should be. not like the smokestack i live a couple of blocks from. i like to think that citrus mint is actually cleaning out the bad, wicked smog...and the leftover inhalations from years of playing in bars.
anyway, we had a good half hour smoke, and danny went to bed. i had some catching up on shows to do, some stuff to write, and baseball trades to work out, so i went and poured myself a glass of port. my brother brought it down to the wine party on saturday night, and only he and i drank any, so there was a good bit left. my little port glasses were in the running dishwasher so i grabbed a regular wine glass. i pulled the cork and my other roommate, shane, popped into the kitchen to tell me something. i poured and answered...answered and poured. however it went, i ended up with a half full regular wine glass full of port. i knew immediately that there was now a drop on the bottom of that large amount of port that had my bedtime on it.
i spent the next hour with my glass, and as expected, the bottom of the glass was amplifying the call of my pillow. i got ready in a hurry, and was pretty nearly asleep when i got in bed. all of this is pretext for the night to come.
i don't usually remember my dreams. i don't even think i dream all that much because it's not just that i don't remember what i dreamed. i don't remember dreaming. when i do remember it, and even more so, when i remember what i dreamed, it's never a nightmare. it's never running in place, flying, falling...all the dreams normal people dream. no, i dream about things like hunting an 150 foot long, two story alligator with a shotgun. or about kittens that climb up stucco, art deco colored walls, across the ceiling, and back down the other side, all while saying "wallz, wallz, wallz, wallz". no meow. no purring. just walls.
i don't recall what i ate/drank the nights before those dreams, but i did this time. and while these dreams don't contain any wacky animal antics, they're pretty weird.
i had four. i remember two. the last two. and i remember each time i woke up thinking i have to remember that. apparently i have room for only two dreams in my short term memory.
the first was me at a basketball camp. the ones where they drill you on all the fundamentals of the game. you work...you work hard. and at the end, you play a friendly game against a team of your classmates. well, i had only 3 fellow camp members. two i do not recall. i'm sure i knew them at one point during the dream. or imagine i do. the third was John McCain. yes, he of the imminent GOP candidacy. he wasn't bad. not great. but nobody really stood out on the team. we just sort of drilled layups, free throws, the weave. and Coach Knight was unbelievably calm. yes, Bobby Knight. the coach i dislike the most in all of college/pro/park/alley basketball. Coach Knight just said things like "nice" and "good pivot" and "way to go, heldman/mccain/nameless guys". i think we were in the final gym from hoosiers, too, but i'm not certain about that. it was massive and well lit...and completely empty except for the five of us.
dream two was me and my friend, tristan vass. probably because i saw her new pics on facebook last night. and it involved a bicycle, on my part, probably because both my roommates have recently had their bikes in many pieces while building/rebuilding them. that doesn't explain why there was a baptist retirement community living in the grade school i went to in the city...why i figured out that i could stand my bike on its back tire, climb to the top of the front tire, and get on the roof of a 50 foot tall building, or why the old people who were coming and going...slowly...in the evening from John Palmer Grade School and Retirement Home were berating Tristan for all the boys she was making out with. Oddly, Tristan was just standing there next to my amazing bike, but each fogey had a story about another boy she was seeing. when i came down from the roof and amazingly advantageous listening post, Tristan confessed to me that she had a problem. She then was magically whisked away by the dream and i was left to bike through my old Chicago neighborhood, weaving this majestic bicycle through the pothole-ridden streets.
as i recounted these dreams, it came to me that perhaps i was the only one that might find them weird and odd. maybe others dream like this all the time...inexplicable places, people, and times converging into some mixture of foreign film and reality tv. maybe it's because i remember so few. but i know one thing. when it comes to mixing egg foo yung, vegetable soup, hookah, and port wine...well, i'm gonna do that more often.
on my way home, i decided to stop at my local chinese food shop to pick up some dinner. i get a small shrimp egg foo yung for the protein, and a vegetable soup for...the vegetables. they're freshly steamed and so good. so the first substantive thing i ate all day was at 6 pm. i saved the soup to eat around 8 to let my system work a little less hurriedly.
at about 8:30 danny and i fired up my new hookah (thanks, danny/shane/jenn) and had a nice session with our friend, citrus mint. danny likes the heavier flavors like double apple and elephant dung. that's not a flavor...yet...but if it was, danny would love it. i, on the other hand prefer sessions that do not require The Lung Brush afterwards. i'm sure they're all equally bad for me, but that's beside the point. citrus mint is light and airy, like damaging smoke should be. not like the smokestack i live a couple of blocks from. i like to think that citrus mint is actually cleaning out the bad, wicked smog...and the leftover inhalations from years of playing in bars.
anyway, we had a good half hour smoke, and danny went to bed. i had some catching up on shows to do, some stuff to write, and baseball trades to work out, so i went and poured myself a glass of port. my brother brought it down to the wine party on saturday night, and only he and i drank any, so there was a good bit left. my little port glasses were in the running dishwasher so i grabbed a regular wine glass. i pulled the cork and my other roommate, shane, popped into the kitchen to tell me something. i poured and answered...answered and poured. however it went, i ended up with a half full regular wine glass full of port. i knew immediately that there was now a drop on the bottom of that large amount of port that had my bedtime on it.
i spent the next hour with my glass, and as expected, the bottom of the glass was amplifying the call of my pillow. i got ready in a hurry, and was pretty nearly asleep when i got in bed. all of this is pretext for the night to come.
i don't usually remember my dreams. i don't even think i dream all that much because it's not just that i don't remember what i dreamed. i don't remember dreaming. when i do remember it, and even more so, when i remember what i dreamed, it's never a nightmare. it's never running in place, flying, falling...all the dreams normal people dream. no, i dream about things like hunting an 150 foot long, two story alligator with a shotgun. or about kittens that climb up stucco, art deco colored walls, across the ceiling, and back down the other side, all while saying "wallz, wallz, wallz, wallz". no meow. no purring. just walls.
i don't recall what i ate/drank the nights before those dreams, but i did this time. and while these dreams don't contain any wacky animal antics, they're pretty weird.
i had four. i remember two. the last two. and i remember each time i woke up thinking i have to remember that. apparently i have room for only two dreams in my short term memory.
the first was me at a basketball camp. the ones where they drill you on all the fundamentals of the game. you work...you work hard. and at the end, you play a friendly game against a team of your classmates. well, i had only 3 fellow camp members. two i do not recall. i'm sure i knew them at one point during the dream. or imagine i do. the third was John McCain. yes, he of the imminent GOP candidacy. he wasn't bad. not great. but nobody really stood out on the team. we just sort of drilled layups, free throws, the weave. and Coach Knight was unbelievably calm. yes, Bobby Knight. the coach i dislike the most in all of college/pro/park/alley basketball. Coach Knight just said things like "nice" and "good pivot" and "way to go, heldman/mccain/nameless guys". i think we were in the final gym from hoosiers, too, but i'm not certain about that. it was massive and well lit...and completely empty except for the five of us.
dream two was me and my friend, tristan vass. probably because i saw her new pics on facebook last night. and it involved a bicycle, on my part, probably because both my roommates have recently had their bikes in many pieces while building/rebuilding them. that doesn't explain why there was a baptist retirement community living in the grade school i went to in the city...why i figured out that i could stand my bike on its back tire, climb to the top of the front tire, and get on the roof of a 50 foot tall building, or why the old people who were coming and going...slowly...in the evening from John Palmer Grade School and Retirement Home were berating Tristan for all the boys she was making out with. Oddly, Tristan was just standing there next to my amazing bike, but each fogey had a story about another boy she was seeing. when i came down from the roof and amazingly advantageous listening post, Tristan confessed to me that she had a problem. She then was magically whisked away by the dream and i was left to bike through my old Chicago neighborhood, weaving this majestic bicycle through the pothole-ridden streets.
as i recounted these dreams, it came to me that perhaps i was the only one that might find them weird and odd. maybe others dream like this all the time...inexplicable places, people, and times converging into some mixture of foreign film and reality tv. maybe it's because i remember so few. but i know one thing. when it comes to mixing egg foo yung, vegetable soup, hookah, and port wine...well, i'm gonna do that more often.
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